Pain and apathy

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This piece is written in response to a prompt on The Red Dress Club, a writers website I love.
 The Prompt: Laziness of the spirit. Apathy. Sloth.

It’s like a second pulse within my body this pain that silently steals my energy, sucking my life force with each focused thought, with each physical movement. I can actually hear the sound of the pulse while it robs my life.
As the sun rises its blazing glory ricochets off the snow through the window. When it reaches the room my eyes squint as the brilliance begins to create the excruciating stabbing sensation in my skull.  My hand moves lethargically, reaching for the sunglasses which have become my form of armour these days.
Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub
My gaze travels around the room, it touches upon the blankets and pillows left out from movie time the night before, the popcorn which Brad and the girls had enjoyed. School work waits to be put into the girls backpacks, the hardwood floors hold a layer of unfamiliar grime, and dishes wait to brought to the kitchen. These things are within my sight but they hold no meaning for me.
Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub
My finger applies pressure to the button of the recliner, as my feet lower my body becomes upright and the spasms of searing hot pain begin to wave through my neck and back. My facial muscles become set, my posture that of an aged person, my jaw is clenched.
Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub
My mind fights to rise above the robbery, repeating the Serenity Prayer within my mind, my hands brace on the arms of the chair and my muscles begin the herculean effort to become upright.
Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub
Slowly I shuffle down the hall, sidestepping the dirty laundry pile; my hand uses the wall for support. Crossing the threshold to my daughter’s bedroom the thundering pulse in my body overcomes me and I lean on the door frame.
Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub
Taking deep breaths I remind myself that this is just another bad day; I can rest after the girls go to school. My eyes reach the pursed lips of my 5 year old who looks so young, so peaceful it tempts me to snuggle into the bed with her and evade the demands of the day.
Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub
Nevertheless I paste a smile upon my face and walk gingerly to her bed; my hand reaches her brow and smooths the hair from her face while I whisper a morning greeting. Her eyelids flutter and the clear blue eyes focus upon my face as recognition dawns. A big smile travels across her face as she stretches and emits a loud, piercing, excited squeal.
Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub
Reflexively my hands cover my ears as she begins her day with the enthusiasm which is hers alone, asking why I’m wearing sunglasses, commenting on how bright Mr. Sun is…..
Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub
My body fully tensed I move out of the room, forcing my voice to be happy and loving as I tell her to begin the morning routine. When I reach the kitchen, I push aside dirty dishes and brace my forearms on the counter. I run the tap water over my wrists as I breathe deeply, praying to God for His strength.
Lub dub…lub dub…lub dub
It’s 8am and I know I’m exhausted, I know I’ve become emotionally detached and that the day has hardly begun. Thank goodness I’m a good actress, that I’ve learned how to trudge through the joyful child moments until I can sleep.

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Comments

  1. says

    I could feel the desperation in your words. This line really said it all for me. "My body fully tensed I move out of the room, forcing my voice to be happy and loving as I tell her to begin the morning routine." Stopping by from TRDC.

  2. says

    My gaze travels around the room, it touches upon…I love how you give a physicality to something so otherwise fleeting.I imagine that many can relate to what you've so aptly described. Beautifully written, Julie.

  3. says

    I think as mothers/wives/women it is so easy to slip into this kind of apathy. I walk a fine line all the time. You did a great job of writing these feelings out.

  4. says

    That's strange.I'd not call this apathy and certainly not sloth. Pain, yes.Rather, – commitment to your children, to not making them suffer with you … – serenity to accept what is, and – courage to face your responsibilities.And one more thing … the wisdom to know the difference between what you can and cannot change. A perfect example of the (sometimes uneasy) balance between appropriate care-taking and self-care.Exquisitely written, the conflicting feelings are raw and passionate – and real. Brava, dear lady. Brava.

  5. says

    Such a great description of one of my migraine headaches that come so frequently. Life goes on and on for mothers doesn't it? This kept my interest til the very end.

  6. says

    @Kim thank you, I totally agree, each Mom experiences this I think….for different reasons but we all move our gaze over things we'd like to change when we don't have the energy.

  7. says

    @Kim thank you, I totally agree, each Mom experiences this I think….for different reasons but we all move our gaze over things we'd like to change when we don't have the energy.

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