This morning I was awoken by the sweet-smelling over-night breath of my six-year-old as she full lip kissed me and said “Morning Mama”. My eyes were much too heavy to open and knowing my breath was certainly not sweet-smelling I tilted my chin slightly away from her warm face, pulled her into a snuggle and responded “Morning my Chelsea-belle.”
Being the love bug she is, with a bit of grunting-effort she snaked her arm under my torso and moved quickly into a belly to belly position. Lying there with the strawberry scented strands of hair tickling my nose I thought of how different each day can be. This little gift from God wasn’t doing anything spectacular, this moment could quite possibly be happening in many other homes with Mothers and Daughters, but this one moment was creating a memory for me.
Before I had my daughters I didn’t think I wanted children, in fact I took great efforts to make that clear to everyone. In conversations with friends who were expecting, I’d thank them for populating the Earth so I didn’t have to. I’d posture, affect the appropriate do-not-care attitude and wish them well for their choices while appearing firm in mine.
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know I could do it.
My Mum was amazing, so loving and supportive….a part of me knew how selfish I was and truly thought I wasn’t made for the capacity for such greatness. The role of a Mother was one I wouldn’t even allow myself to consider, I watched my sister give birth to 3 children and as I’d expected she was a natural. The seeming ease which she parented with was beyond me, so far from my perception of my reality that I couldn’t even acknowledge it as a possibility for a very long time.
After meeting my husband in my late 20’s I began to thaw out, before this I’d been functioning on high-alert with all shields up. Looking back I know this but at the time I recall being surprised at how much I loved this guy, how affected I actually was. Time passed as it’s wont to do and my walls crumbled away. We began to discuss children and figured why not try….I hadn’t allowed my heart to hope…somehow I still felt this was a role not meant for me. A gift I wasn’t to be granted.
We tried for some time, I was checking my temperature, charting and monitoring my ovulation and each month would experience an overwhelming sense of loss as I realized I wasn’t pregnant. I really should have realized how invested I actually was but being the oh-so-strong woman I thought I was I fooled myself into thinking I didn’t care.
The time came where we gave up, we decided to buy a home instead and put off trying for a year. The new focus took the stress off of me, I wasn’t charting anymore and life became much more fun again. We did get our home and along with it a surprise…..of course that’s exactly when I became preggers!
The first moment I saw my first-born Sydney, I found a feeling I didn’t know I had, this love was strangely overwhelming. Suddenly the snow-storm outside became so beautiful, my husband became more tender….life change instantly…I felt the richness of everything.
I had indeed become a Mother.
Life has become busy over time and God blessed us with our 2nd daughter, little Chelsea to brighten our days with her constant chatter and joy with everything she sees.
Unfortunately the world doesn’t always afford me the ability to remain gracious, I lose sight of the gifts I’ve been given with the worry of the day. Yesterday is a fine example, I experienced an unjust situation which was out of my control and has potential to affect my family negatively in a great way. In my panicked state I scrambled to figure out how to resolve the situation, how to protect my family……I became increasingly frightened and ended up in a massive panic attack.
The fear overcame me and lying on the bathroom floor, in physical pain as my muscles spasmed, breathing raggedly….I was spent, utterly lost and defeated. In that moment I began to pray, this is of course what I do but if only I’d done it sooner perhaps I wouldn’t have reached quite the point I did.
Lying there I reached out to God and begged to feel his presence, ranted at him for the predicament and the unfairness of it all. I poured out my heart in a very messy way, using no fancy words nor curbing my heart. God was there, I couldn’t feel him nor did I get a response but my faith tells me he was.
Getting up from the floor wasn’t easy but moving slowly I did, I went on through my evening as best I could, pasting a smile on my face for the kids. There were signs, as I drove one of my favorite songs came on the radio….there’s a verse about God lifting us up on wings like Eagels….a TV show had a line something like…wait for your answer…..
Was I looking for signs? Sure, I firmly believe God answers prayers and we should watch for the answers.
I happened to have a therapist appointment and spoke to her about the situation which provided some clarity, then after speaking with Hubby and praying together I truly felt some peace that no matter the outcome we were fine.
You see, I still don’t know what the future holds for us in the regard but I do know that there are much more important things for me to focus upon. I know that God truly IS in control and will only allow me to experience things which I can handle with his strength.
So many more important things, like the sweet-smelling breath of my morning wake up kiss…..this warm, cozy moment which I will cherish for much longer than I will worry about worldly concerns….in this I realize how I do have the capacity to be a Mother, because I am one.
Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
1 Peter 5:7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
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