Today Acceptance Eludes Me

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Some days I hate being human, it’s excruciating to seek acceptance when I can’t for the life get over the fact that I’m incapable to being who I want to be.

Today is a BAD day, for once I’m going to openly lament here and hopefully you all will understand my weakness. I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m tired….I’m in pain.

This pain that greets me as I wake still baffles me after over 2 years. My fuzzy brain which loses memories like a sieve is like a thief who constantly stalks my vault of treasured memories. The anxiety that overcomes me and holds me captive in this house so often is robbing me and my family quietly….invisibly. The exhaustion from poor sleep, meds and pain leaves me an empty shell too often.

I’m MAD and sick of it all.

This anger won’t help me, it won’t give me back the life I miss.

This anger will compound the anxiety, the pain, the frustration and the sadness.

Despair will overcome me if I give into the anger.

I know I have to rise above these concerns, I have to ground myself in my spiritual foundation and trust that God is in control.

But

Accepting is beyond me in this moment.

Last night I sat blankly, resting because of pain and mental exhaustion….missing out on bike riding with the girls, homework and swimming with my family….instead I just sat there….

Yesterday I sold my ticket to BlogHer, a conference I’d looked forward to attending in New York in August,  I just knew I couldn’t handle it because of my inability to travel alone, finances and pain…

On the weekend I missed out on the majority of a Jazz Festival, I managed to attend for 2 hours over 3 days…..

I miss my career, the people, the challenges, the fast pace of it….

Everyday I miss out…..

Today acceptance eludes me.

Today my path feels dark.

Today I can’t see the purpose.

And so today I am in prayer….

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Comments

  1. Jennifer says

    As someone who has been in severe pain since she was 7, and has not had a day without since then… I sympathize. I watched everyone around me go to school, while I couldn’t. Everyone I know has graduated university and has awesome jobs and families. I have nothing. No family, no job, no nothing. My life was stolen from me, and no matter what I do I still can’t do the things I want to. :(

  2. says

    Prayer is very powerful. Let me remind you of the lyrics of “On Eagle’s Wings”…

    You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,
    who abide in His shadow for life,
    say to the Lord: “My refuge, my rock in whom I trust!”

    Refrain:
    And He will raise you up on eagles’ wings,
    bear you on the breath of dawn,
    make you to shine like the sun,
    and hold you in the palm of His hand.

    Please let me know if there is anything I can do. You are in my prayers.
    Wendy [mapsgirl] recently posted..Phineas And Ferb: The Perry Files DVD coming June 5th!My Profile

  3. says

    I hear you Julie…be strong…look within…I too am struggling today with pain. Not the same as your pain, but pain non the less….I’m fighting a disease of depression that is taking me deep into myself to a very dark place I have been in the past. It scares me to death to think I could follow but instead I must reach out to God and my friends and hang on for dear life…..I hate it when people tell me i’m strong, they know I can do this accomplish that….well you know, sometimes…I’m just NOT, and today is one of those days. Just know you are not alone…..

  4. says

    For 13 years,my muscles pulled my joints apart, when I tred to sleep at night,and I had so much pain that I could not be touched. I went from a very active lifestyle as an outdoors woman who loved camping, hiking, and canoeing to not being able to walk more than half-a-block. I was told I would eventually be confined to a wheelchair by my Fibromyagia.
    I understand your frustration.

    Thankfully, through God’s grace, I received a healing almost 1 year ago at an Omemee Christian Outreach event.The key to my healing was asking God to help me to forgive others.

    Sending prayers for healing from your pain. May you be released from the trauma that has inflicted this torment upon you, and may the Peace that Passes Understanding find a dwelling place in your heart.
    Suzanne @Omemee Christian Outreach recently posted..Here I am to WorshipMy Profile

  5. A.Smith says

    I wish I had something profound to say to you right now but I’m feeling exactly the same. Hopefully your readers can lift us up.

  6. says

    I’m so sad that I won’t get to meet you at BlogHer but you have to do what is best to take care of you. I ave wrote before about it being ok not to be ok sometimes and I think that we, especially as women, are too hard on ourselves expecting to get it right all the time. Tomorrow is a new day!!!

    (((HUGS))))
    Lisa @ Oh Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy recently posted..We’re Famous #CubsPledgeMy Profile

  7. says

    Darling, as the wife to a man that has been suffering from severe chronic pain since 1997, I may not be able to understand how you feel but I can absolutely empathize. I can’t imagine how horrible it would be to constantly be hurting, but I pray that you are able to find a solution.

    One of my readers, who is also a former nurse, who also had an accident that left her in chronic pain, said something that really stuck with me. She said that there are solutions out there, but that the people that need them often don’t find them. They don’t return to their doctor again and again demanding new solutions even though they need to because dealing with their pain is so exhausting that they just don’t have energy left for anything else. Keep persevering! I know you’ll get through this!
    Kathryn recently posted..Get Everything You Need in a Family Vehicle with the Ford EdgeMy Profile

  8. says

    I too can understand fully. Growing up, I missed out on a lot because of illness and it was frustrating. By the time I was 19, I got so fed up that I ended up throwing in the towel and ignoring it, which in turn made me worse. Of course, once I focused on my health and all that junk, I got better… but it is those days, where you just wish the pain would go away so you could go for a swim and do anything with your loved ones that are the worst. Stay strong! xoxo
    Christine @MommyMatter recently posted..Summer Skin – Staying Protected All Summer LongMy Profile

  9. says

    Hi Julie, I don’t really have anything to say to you that hasn’t already been said. I can’t fix the pain, the anxiety or the emotional drain. I can sympathize on the anxiety as I went through some terrible anxiety after my Dad passed away. I tried to be the tough guy who didn’t want to show my pain, in the hopes that it would help my Mom and younger brother through their grief. I spent more time in the emergency room, thinking I was dying, than any person ever should. I even got a nice stint at the Psychiatrist’s office, which surprisingly helped a lot.

    I don’t know why I wrote all that, it’s not overly relevant I guess. I think it’s just to let you know that there are others who suffer in silence and I think it’s brave of you to share this out in the open. Also, for what it’s worth, you are one of the nicest people I’ve met so far in my blogging travels. You don’t have an agenda when you try to help someone and I appreciate that. You are an amazing woman and I hope whatever it is that ails you, gets fixed quickly. You deserve to feel 100%!

    Chris
    Chris R recently posted..The Never Ending Knock Knock JokeMy Profile

    • says

      Oh it’s relevant and utterly indicative of who you are, generously sharing a piece of yourself. Thank you Chris for just being you….caring, warm and funny as hell.

  10. says

    Julie, you are an amazing and strong woman. Thank you for being so brave to share your story. I am too struggling today. Everything seems to be coming to a head all at once and I feel very overwhelmed. My anxiety is running full speed ahead. I wish I could rip it out of me and throw it far away. I just want to be rid of it.

    But some day Julie, we will overcome and be all the more stronger because of it.

    And thank you for sharing the Serenity Prayer. I remember it fondly from when I attended Al-Anon years ago. I have it hanging on my wall in the kitchen but rarely look at it.
    Brandy @insanemamacita recently posted..Week Twenty Two of Project Happy: Brotherly LoveMy Profile

  11. says

    You, my friend, are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Thanks for the reminder…the Serenity Prayer is one I should keep taped onto my bathroom mirror, on my fridge, on my bedroom mirror, in the front entrance…Sometimes we really need to be reminded.

    We WILL go to BlogHer next year…together :)
    Christine recently posted..Weekends, Friends, and Other Good StuffMy Profile

  12. Soozle says

    Wow. This post made me cry.

    While not going through exactly the same thing as you as, I am going through my own person struggles and cannot ‘accept’ that THIS is what He has in mind for me (the mental pain is something no one should have to suffer)

    I’d like to say I have a solution – but I don’t… If anything, I can take some reassurance that someone else in the world can understand.. Stay strong believing God has a purpose for this time.

    <> I hope your season of sadness is a short one!

  13. Doreen L says

    I remember something of the same. Being Sober … for 2 years now. …. I still remember my anguish. I am left with diabetes and a mental illness. I found that I needed to learn to really get to know me. To learn to accept, love and cherish myself. I use to cringe at quiet times and now I look forward to them. Maybe the good Lord needs you to just be quiet and just be and be okay with it. I found that writing everyday in a journal of all you are thankful for makes a difference … no matter what you are going through. Pulling out all the gratefullness in your life no matter how small you think they are will push out the heaviness.
    Throwing tons of peaceful, positive thoughts and prayers you way. Air hugs. :)

  14. Dorothy says

    Wow ! I have been beating myself up for a long time now. i am so relieved to read your post ! All my life I felt not good enough. When i got sober,i thought everything would magically get better. I constantly think since it’s not,it must be my fault. maybe I’m not doing this or that right. I guess I feel like I’m not a good enough recovering alcoholic ! Then add the usual daily life stuff,and some serious physical problems . DOOMED! So to read that someone else feels this way gives me hope. Thank you ! I try to remind myself,every day is another chance to do better.

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