Okay so I’m doing it again, admitting that I don’t always have the Courage to change the things I can. Unbelievable that my whole life has changed (sometimes just in regards to perspective) and I haven’t totally admitted this to myself.
I was at a meeting this morning before church and a lady was talking about the struggle she has been having addressing her financial situation. She’s been taking the mail in and burning it rather than opening it, seeing her debt and calling to make payment arrangements. She stated that she basically knows the debt load, knows she can make arrangements but doesn’t. She mentioned that she doesn’t have the strength to deal with that aspect of her life so she burns the letters in the fireplace and actually enjoys the feeling.
I GET HER.
That was me. Once upon a time I had wracked up bills etc and danced the dance of avoidance. The calls came and the notices piled. When I “got real” about it I KNEW I couldn’t deal with it all, it was too complex for my mind. Bull puckey.
I just didn’t want to admit I’d dropped the ball and clean up my mess. Soooooo when the day came…the Get Real Day…I knew that God could give me the strength if I asked. Simple enough to find a financial advisor and just jump in and do it. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d thought or as difficult to clear it all up.
Well my friends I have been burying my head in the sand again. Imagine that I’m not perfect…I know shocker to myself ;)
This time the topic is (insert that foreboding music…duhnnn duhnn duhnnn…..) my weight. Yes friends I happen to be overweight. Way overweight. I know it’s shocking to you because the strategic angle and lighting of my pics show me to be Stunningly fit ;)
Alas it’s true.
My whole life I’ve battled up and down with quick fixes. Before my car accident last Feb I was in the middle of getting fit again, had begun training and was committed to a 1/2 marathon in May. Well okay it’s been 10 months and I cannot work out at all. I still have inabilities physically but seriously does that mean that my newly acquired love for chocolate and over indulgence of said luscious treat is okay to ignore?
I am opening my eyes and being rigorously honest with myself here. I realize that I have memory issues and will go all day without eating, then be ravenous and eat like a team of young football players at a buffet.
2 choices remain: ignore it and continue with this unhealthy way….or address it, control it using tools and make great food choices.
I choose option 2.
I have increased my water intake (peeing like a racehorse and seriously desire a bathroom on each level of my home) we’ve stocked up on fresh foods in the house and I’ve joined a group of people who are committed to losing weight. We are called “the biggest losers”….original really but heck it’s an accountability system and someone will win a pot of cash.
I’m setting myself up for success here (as much as is possible, come on folks I’m not shooting for the pot of cash….just healthy eating habits).
I am plugging in reminders on my phone to eat (I lose time, seriously),
We have healthy food planned for the week,
I have a friend who will weigh in with me,
I am accepting that I now have a huge fear of physical pain and have to work around that.
I am beginning to understand my limitations and not resent them quite as much. I’ve prayed for God to lift the resentment from me, to give me the strength to recover but also day to day to help me with remaining positive.
I don’t have the courage to face this but GOD does. I believe that through Him anything is possible so I refuse to shoot myself in the foot before I begin.
I may not be able to run the 5k/day I would have, but I can eat a healthy diet and continue with physio and exercises.
Self image for me is a big deal. I used to define a large part of myself by my profession and at the moment I’ve lost that.
I also placed a high amount on my level of fitness which is also hugely diminished (a polite way of saying it’s in the gutter).
Now I’m not certain that either of those have meant much to me lately which isn’t bad for the spiritual side but the health factor must be addressed. My body won’t recover if I continue to gain weight.
God grant me the Courage to change the things I can!!!!
Sober Mommy says
Best of luck on your new journey!! At the heights of my drinking I hit nearly 200lbs. I was horrified at myself! I have since lost 40lbs just by not drinking! Now my goal is to lose the extra 15 I have been hanging onto for years!! One step at a time, one day at a time. You can do it!!!!!
Thank you Julie for making yourself vulnerable and being so candid about your struggle with weight. You are not alone in this battle and as you already know, the first step is honesty. Honest you are!!! Truth will set us free! Love that you have a support group, for we are called to encourage, edify and uplift one another. I believe this is a huge key to our success. Of course you sited the other key several times in your blog….With GOD, all things are possible!!! In our weakness HE is strong! Another key is found in the weapons of our warfare. Be sure this is a battle and you will need weapons. God tells us that our weapons are the word(written, spoken, living..Jesus) and prayer. Eph.6:17 "the sword of the spirit is the word"I will be praying for you Julie as you press on…taking hold of that which Jesus took hold of you! http://www.wave94.com/audio/apples/2009/03_11.mp3
That's kind of huge isn't it? Courage. It's so, so hard. Good luck on your journey and thanks for the reminder.
I'm in this with you girl. Five years ago I worse a size 2, now add a one in front of that to equal 12! Yikes, I have 50lbs to loose and of course like we alcoholics do we want to solve it all so last year while I was just entering into AA I was trying to diet. Disaster! Instead I worked on my self esteem. I have learned to accept myself 50 lbs. overweight. For once I truly like myself. But I need to think of my health. Two things that I love, make that three are bread, butter and chocolate! I'm making an attempt to only eat whole grains, and to avoid access sugar. At 41 I can't seem to find my metabolism. I probably drank it away, but I know you can do this. You have accomplished so much by staying away from alcohol, and granted we tend to take food as a substitute but you can do this. For you, you deserve it! So today you motivated me to stay on track, and like with AA just take it one day at a time. You only need to eat healthy today! I'm praying for your success ;)