I’m a countdown kinda girl, always was. As a child the day after my birthday I’d ask “how many days until my birthday?”. I love countdown tickers and the visualization they provide. It must be a part of my “planner” trait. Of course I must say that this does NOT apply to my menu planning, I hate that and never stick to it. Could that have to do with my issues with cooking? I digress.
So we have talked about taking a vacation with our 2 girls for years. Actually to be truthful we’d seen so many friends take their kids on vacation with them that our private mocking of them began to seem like it was wrong…gasp!
Two years ago we decided to take a trip which of course didn’t include the girls. Where to go? hmmmm. Hedonism obviously!!
Perhaps you haven’t heard of this resort in Jamaica? Well it’s adult only, clothing optional all inclusive, 4 star resort (totally not 4 stars in our opinion).
When we arrived at this resort it was like being handed a freedom card. Free to be/do whatever you felt like. Everything goes here. For us this was intimidating of course but we said “what’s the worst that can happen??”
Ok I know that you may be interested but this blog isn’t about Hedo ;)
We had planned to take our girls with us on our first family vacation this past September but it didn’t work out due to Car accident stuff (injuries and finances). Sooooo in October hubby throws out that he is booking our vacation for January. WHAT? HOW? omg I’ll have to travel.
I went deep into my dark space, that space where I feel out of control, where the anxiety which hides in me grabs me by the throat and tightens the grip. Over a week of discussions we realized that I can do this. Hubby felt that with all of the changes in the past year due to my limitations the girls could really use the break.
Where would we go? What makes sense to my limitations and will be amazing for the girls?
Walt Disney World!!!!
Yippeee, time to begin a countdown right???? This is the greatest place on Earth right???
I’m so not feeling it.
The girls and hubby are totally stoked, we leave on Saturday. I am looking forward to seeing the 3 of them enjoy it but the FEAR is overwhelming when I really think about it. I go in circles in my mind of the risks involved with travel, being in crowds….on and on with illogical PTSD related thoughts
Prior to the car accident I traveled for work often, all across Canada and enjoyed it. I loved the flying process, knowing that once I was on the plane I would be served in little cups and could sleep well until I arrived. I loved planning the transportation to our branch offices, the hotel rooms etc.
Now here I am with a wonderful vacation planned, dinners booked, events for the girls arranged, wheelchair for me and I know that we’re staying on the Disney site so when I’m exhausted I can leave everyone at the park…….and all I feel is FEAR, anxiety. I already had sleep issues but now it’s worse.
So what do I do?
I’m just keeping my thoughts where my hands are, living for just today. Isn’t it funny that even with something really good I’m having to use my tools to deal?
It’s working. I’ve been avoiding this blog because I just didn’t want to think about it but putting it on paper will help me remember this in a month.
So we will leave Saturday for Disney and I’ll be in an AA meeting and a church service at Walt Disney World on Sunday!! How cool is it that there are meetings and churches??
Today I’m packing, organizing and prepping the house for the dog sitter.
Oh and the old me would never have agreed to this, my selfish self “couldn’t” have done it. Today I’ve seen my DR and physiotherapist for advice, planned all my routes back to the room and honestly am entering into this with an open heart….for my family.