My life lately is very slow and yet so amusing. I have short term memory issues. It’s somewhat like that movie Groundhog Day at times. I often find myself finishing a book and saying to my husband what a great read it was and he responds that I enjoyed it last week as well. At least my literary taste is consistent right?
When I am out I often don’t remember meeting people, their names and cannot figure out why they are talking to me….a June Cleaver smiles work on this one while inside I am immediately frustrated and looking for a way to get home before I have the panic attack which can follow the anxiety.
I leave things lying around the house and have no idea where I left something or I walk past something and proceed to reprimand my girls for not putting away things. They then take great pleasure in my discomfort as they tell me that in fact it was I who left said pair of socks on the kitchen counter.
Let’s be real Mums out there in the blogisphere we all know these sly wee lasses are using this limitation of mine against me, they must be some of the bloody time.
So I forget things, like for example I took this photo of an onion with my amazing new camera.
Neat little picture, which made me think of a blog topic, I then spent time and drafted it (yup I do put a smidgen of thought into this…remember the memory thing?) and I of course forgot that I had a FANTASTIC topic. Tonight I was browsing the photo folder and saw this photo and immediately came up with a great topic!! So I grabbed a journal I’m using and amazingly enough here was that topic already written there.
In MY handwriting!
Again I prove that my literary taste is consistent.
Topic: wasn’t great after all so I’m just rambling blogging because I dig the pic of the onion.
Have you ever taken a bite of an onion? I know I love onions yet I cannot get myself to take an grin-like-a-child-apple-like-bite of one. The thought is overwhelming for me. Always has been.
Can’t do it with blue cheese either….wait ignore that it has no relevance to this blog.
I cannot and have never experienced biting into an onion full boar. I know it’s good….once it is peeled it smells lovely, it’s good for me and yet I cannot just dive in. Onions for me aren’t appealing on their own. Put them with green peppers and cheese diced up and I’d probably spoon them right up.
The flavor of an onion marries so well with so many foods!
This is becoming an ode to an onion.
For so long I viewed my true self like I view an onion. I knew deep down that I had a true self. What I mean is that I knew I could be better in every way. That my lack of self-confidence and inner peace was holding me back. I was avoiding looking at my self deep down….I couldn’t face it. The thought overwhelmed me.
So I worked harder, took on more projects, more of a social life, more activities for my family, more alcohol and practiced avoidance like a pro. On the outside for a long time I looked quite successful at each area of my life but inside me the pressure was building. Quickly the instances of me blowing while drinking were increasing. I was more irritable with my family and truly ignoring all the feelings which weren’t easy to deal with.
At work I was fantastic, excelling really but there were no emotional responsibilities. I was decently fit and maintaining it, easy when it wasn’t emotional.
My life with my husband was strained, my friends were showing signs of jumping ship, I was short with my girls and basically there were cracks in each emotionally driven aspect of my life.
I went to an AA meeting once….sat and cried and didn’t absorb much…I can’t really recall anything or any faces. I bought the book, determined to master this course and promptly after reading the book put it in the back of my closet so nobody would see it.
Now I am amused at the thought of hiding alcoholism by hiding a book.
Slowly I was thinking about this real self. What it could be like, how I could balance everything. I knew it was irrelevant but I am a planner. I see the forest in spite of the trees which is a good thing in my profession but for once I needed to work on one tree at a time. I was attempting to build courage.
As I’ve said in my previous blogs the time came. I sucked it up and gave my fears to God, took a breath and became ready to take a bite of the proverbial onion.
Now I see how God was slowly peeling back the skin for me, ensuring that before I took the bite I could see the beauty, smell the aroma and prepare for the day when I would savor the uniqueness of the flavor.
Guess what? I didn’t have to take a huge bite after all. My real self hasn’t been suddenly revealed all at once. In my impatient mind I’d expected this. It is a gradual process of living, learning and laughing.
Each day I am given the gift of life. Truly. I feel blessed to be here and experience it. Last February I could easily have died, and yet God didn’t think it was my time. There is something here for me to do for God. I don’t know each day what that will be but each night feel blessed to have experience what I did. Even after a panic attack, after being unable to participate in hobbies….I still have to admit I’m thankful for my life.
When I have a bad day God throws something at me I just cannot ignore, something which I just have to be thankful for.
Today one of my long time friends reached out to me. She asked how to find God. She wasn’t raised with God in her life and has many questions….she is seeking. God gave me this to celebrate with my wicked cool friend and again I say YES Lord thanks for peeling back the layers of the onion in Your time.