This week has been rough for me, the pain was worse, I’ve been fighting a stomach bug or some bloody thing, spending alot of time resting in bed feeling like I’m missing life and today I’ve been emotionally down. Mundane tasks which I complete in the blink of an eye seems like huge mountains to scale.
These days being emotionally down is no fun at all for me. Why you ask? Because I know when I’m down. There is little pleasure or release in it when you just know you’re being illogical. I know in my heart that I am grateful to be alive, to share this journey with my funny faced remarkable girls, loving and supportive-beyond-humanly possible husband. Blahh blah blah…not helping my pity party.
So then I’m ticked because I can’t cry….by the time I feel a tear beginning to well up I feel a bit like I’m having a lecture with myself, come on Julie you’re going to end up with puffy eyes, a worsened headache and incapacitated because if you really give it a good sob you’ll get back/neck spasms.
And what the Hell is soooo bloody bad in my life anyway?
Is this growing up?
And the fact that for some bloody reason I’m not using swear words as adjectives anymore is really firing me up lately. I specifically recall praying on it, I had developed a flair, an aplomb with the use of vulgarity, slipping it in slyly to add to the umph of a statement. Years of working within male dominated industries honed these skills well. So I had prayed early on, realizing that my message may be lost to some folks if I continued using my potty mouth as often as I would like. Now it’s like I’m wearing an electric bark collar or something, God lifted the ability from me and I feel naked when I’m this angry.
I think you can visualize where I was in my head without beating it to death here.
This evening I stopped by Crying Out Now which is a blog written by women that I dig. There was a post titled Jigsaw which struck me. The author, Deb, is a Mom, who drinks alot and on the journey to finding out if she drinks too much. She explains how she is currently seeing herself as 3 people. READ this blog friends, it’s enlightening.
It brought me back to my old way of thinking of myself, wife, mother, employee etc. I’ve blogged in the past about my early life and how I lived my life in boxes of “who” I was at the time/situation Early Days Blog.
So what Deb wrote was something I could relate to, over the past year I’ve been learning who the “authentic” me is without having to deal with my life in pieces or boxes or different sides to me. And digging it. I’m good with me now, well there’s always work to be done but I think you get my meaning.
When I gave over my life’s Purpose to God I began to stop worrying about who I was.
So yes it’s frustrating when I’m angry not to be able to throw a tantrum anymore, to see the anger and negative feelings for exactly what they are. But I’m glad in the end I do because it reflects to me that God is working on me and I must be doing something right.
I think I am going to try meditation tonight, I’ll let you know how that one works…can I remain focused long enough? Let’s hope so….when was my blog on PMS? I think about a month ago….interesting.
I am thankful for the blogs out here in cyberspace, for all they teach me or don’t. It’s an amazing resource we have here folks, blog on.