This week has been rough for me, the pain was worse, I’ve been fighting a stomach bug or some bloody thing, spending alot of time resting in bed feeling like I’m missing life and today I’ve been emotionally down. Mundane tasks which I complete in the blink of an eye seems like huge mountains to scale.
These days being emotionally down is no fun at all for me. Why you ask? Because I know when I’m down. There is little pleasure or release in it when you just know you’re being illogical. I know in my heart that I am grateful to be alive, to share this journey with my funny faced remarkable girls, loving and supportive-beyond-humanly possible husband. Blahh blah blah…not helping my pity party.
So then I’m ticked because I can’t cry….by the time I feel a tear beginning to well up I feel a bit like I’m having a lecture with myself, come on Julie you’re going to end up with puffy eyes, a worsened headache and incapacitated because if you really give it a good sob you’ll get back/neck spasms.
And what the Hell is soooo bloody bad in my life anyway?
Is this growing up?
And the fact that for some bloody reason I’m not using swear words as adjectives anymore is really firing me up lately. I specifically recall praying on it, I had developed a flair, an aplomb with the use of vulgarity, slipping it in slyly to add to the umph of a statement. Years of working within male dominated industries honed these skills well. So I had prayed early on, realizing that my message may be lost to some folks if I continued using my potty mouth as often as I would like. Now it’s like I’m wearing an electric bark collar or something, God lifted the ability from me and I feel naked when I’m this angry.
I digress.
I think you can visualize where I was in my head without beating it to death here.
This evening I stopped by Crying Out Now which is a blog written by women that I dig. There was a post titled Jigsaw which struck me. The author, Deb, is a Mom, who drinks alot and on the journey to finding out if she drinks too much. She explains how she is currently seeing herself as 3 people. READ this blog friends, it’s enlightening.
It brought me back to my old way of thinking of myself, wife, mother, employee etc. I’ve blogged in the past about my early life and how I lived my life in boxes of “who” I was at the time/situation Early Days Blog.
So what Deb wrote was something I could relate to, over the past year I’ve been learning who the “authentic” me is without having to deal with my life in pieces or boxes or different sides to me. And digging it. I’m good with me now, well there’s always work to be done but I think you get my meaning.
When I gave over my life’s Purpose to God I began to stop worrying about who I was.
I knew.
So yes it’s frustrating when I’m angry not to be able to throw a tantrum anymore, to see the anger and negative feelings for exactly what they are. But I’m glad in the end I do because it reflects to me that God is working on me and I must be doing something right.
I think I am going to try meditation tonight, I’ll let you know how that one works…can I remain focused long enough? Let’s hope so….when was my blog on PMS? I think about a month ago….interesting.
I am thankful for the blogs out here in cyberspace, for all they teach me or don’t. It’s an amazing resource we have here folks, blog on.
Having fibromyalgia for 14 years, Julie, I know exactly how you feel… the pain, the depression, being incapacitated, wanting to cry, wondering what the heck I'm doing here anyway… Other than the need to become sober, we have very much in common, including two little girls who keep us going every day.
I've had that experience (on and off as the swearing seems to reappear randomly sometimes)The other fascination I have is that I can no longer spout out sarcastic remarks on facebook. SHEESH … what happened? God I suppose, it's always God that's the answer to good in my life :)LOVE meditation, love soaking prayer too :)
*God lifted the ability from me and I feel naked when I'm this angry.*I was once at a huge AA convention and listened to a wonderful speaker there, who has become one of my favorites. He shared that for an alcoholic in early sobriety, being out and about is like walking around with no clothes on and all of your nerve endings exposed. I would think that an accurate description when we choose to lay down *any* of our coping mechanisms. Be it swearing, eating too much, shopping for things we don't need, drinking too much, popping a pill, or shooting our arms up with a needle. We are removing that numbing factor and….living a conscious life. Be gentle with yourself.
Well meditation didn't work but I went to the gym today and did manage to do a total of an hour of cardio with lots of breaks. Painful now but I am totally excited and believe that this is going to help center me and speed up the recovery process.I love the comments, thanks for them. Annette, I would love to hear that man speak :)
His name is Father Tom W. Awesome amazing speaker….both AA and Alanon.
Progress not perfection….I have to chant this daily. Being sick is the perfect time to be alone with our sick minds and beat ourselves up. I was doing it all last weekend. You have taken on so much in the last year. Your accident, AA, family etc. I think you are doing an amazing job of handling it all. Chin up girl, hand it over to your HP and let go……
hey julie, i know this yucky feeling. prayer often helps me when i'm fighting depression and i don't know where it's coming from. i pray, not to figure it out, but for my HP to give me the strength to get me thru the phase. cuz it's only a just a phase until life brings us a something better to deal with.i can't help you with the cuss words. *giggle*you're doing great! thanks for sharing ;-)
I think you are in a transitional state, and are feeling out of sorts with leaving the old you behind.I like how you described the use of prayer. And how it worked!
Thank you Annette, I'm going to look him up online. Mia, I rely upon prayer and God's strength during these times and still wish I could bring myself relief with a temper tantrum sometimes lol.Kristin you hit the nail on the preverbial head!
Hi! It's nice to meet you! I really like your writing style and it's always nice to read a new blog, especially those about in recovery. It reminds me and inspires me to write more about being sober and God. Subjects that I love! I'll add you to my blog roll!~Sarah