Lately I’ve been battling depression, this is different than the anger I’ve felt since the car accident. Different than the frustration of dealing with the PTSD. It has been more of an overwhelming feeling of futility.
Inside myself I still feel like the woman who is great at challenges, I feel like I can still negotiate Excel spreadsheets, manage HUGE projects, go on hikes, have amazing sex with my husband.
But feeling this way doesn’t make it a reality. Feeling like someone on the inside yet being someone different in reality (right now) has been filling me with despair. Like drops of deep sadness have been dripping over time into me and now I’m overflowing.
I hadn’t realized it because the daily struggles to survive, try to be a supportive, loving wife and mother while keeping up with my health have kept my awareness busy. Until now I’ve been maintaining the hope that I can return to normal if I work hard enough. My hope is fading.
I realized it though and prayed. It’s all I know how to do. God answered.
I went to a meeting today, I wouldn’t normally because I have my little one with me but I had a mini panic attack this morning and after praying I knew I had to go.
Before the meeting I had the chance to speak with a man who understood. He recounted for me his life about 10 years ago after an accident, injuries, feeling like a burden and how the only answer for him was to attend more meetings. He healed over time but the cloud of depression was held at by by meetings and faith. He pointed out how I was not living in today, how I was not giving it up to God fully.
He pointed out how I have been worrying about the logistics of things for my Baptism this weekend, things I have to try to do tomorrow, heck the unknown of my health a year from now.
He showed me how none of these are changeable by me, they haven’t happened yet.
God was speaking to me through this man.
I went to the meeting and this was the Daily Reflection reading:
When AA found me I thought I was in for a struggle, and that AA might provide me the strength I needed to beat alcohol. Victorious in that fight, who knows what other battles I could win. I would need to be strong, though. All my previous experience with life proved that. Today I do not have to struggle or exert my will. If I take those Twelve Steps and let my Higher Power do the real work, my alcohol problem disappears all by itself. My living problems also cease to be struggles. I just have to ask whether acceptance-or change-is required. It is not my will, but his, that needs doing
God is being so obvious with me, He knows I need Him to.
Today I am praying, for Him to guide me, to show me the things I need to accept and the things I need to change.
I will not struggle or exert my will.
I will rely upon God.
The cloud of depression hasn’t fully lifted but there’s a light, that strong light of God will outshine the darkness.
Editing to add:
Editing to add:
Get this, just went to FB and saw my friends status…..tell me how obvious God is with me!!!
He is our refuge & strength; our ever present help in time of trouble! Psalm 46:1Psalm 97:11 tell us that,"Light is sown for the righteous, and gladness for the upright in heart."…These are the promises to hang on to when the going gets rough…these are the words that strengthen us, they carry us through the rough times…He tells us , He is crowning us with loving kindness, and tender mercies…His word tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us…What have we to fear?…He loves us…He keeps us safe…Remember your help comes from the Lord…He fights on your behalf…Start praising Him for His 'keeping' power…Start praising Him for His promises…Start praising Him for the answer you know is on it's way…Start acting on His word…Rejoice in victory…Amen… Would love to visit sometime soon. Praying you through! xoxoxo
Mary Nevin says
my favorite part of the program is how much god speaks through others. this entry is incredible and you've definitely made my day much brighter. keep your head up lovely, cracking that door is all a higher power needs :)
Judy (Lazarus) says
Is 41: 9, 10 (NLT) – stumbled on this a few months ago, when I really needed it – It says,I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, ‘You are my servant.’ For I have chosen you and will not throw you away.Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Galit Breen says
I just wanted you to know that I read your words, and I heard them. *You* are heard.
work in progress says
"God is being so obvious with me, He knows I need Him to." I love this. A friend sent me this today…"I do not understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us." – Anne LamottI hope the depression shifts, Lord knows I've been in it. It is painful but Grace will find you. Sounds like it already is.
Sober Julie says
Jennifer I look forward to doing that coffee together ;)Thanks Mary, I'm much better since ;)Thank you Judy for that reading, I love it.I appreciate it Galit.Anne Lamott said it well for sure.