I’m inclined not to post this, just as I used to be inclined to put on a show to divert attention from the cracks in my facade that “everything was good”.
So of course I’ll write out this blog which would be easier not to type and hit publish before I give it time to sink in.
I don’t want fanfare or kudos, I do want prayers.
I admit defeat.
I’ve know I’m powerless over cigarettes in my heart for years but am today strong enough to face it. Through the last year and a bit I’ve had times where I’ve considered quitting, even going to the effort to go to the Doctor to enquire about a prescription to aid me in it. My doctor couldn’t prescribe me anything due to the car accident injuries etc, she is of the feeling that it could muddy my mind’s performance and the symptoms could get mistreated.
When I was growing up my folks smoked alot, like the gray haze hot boxing the car as we drove.
I hated smoking and NEVER wanted to do it.
Then at 18 I tried it and for some stupid reason which eludes me I kept doing it.
I’ve quit with pregnancies and just waited until I could begin again.
I quit once because hubby wanted to and then we had a romantic weekend away in Montreal (the smoking capital of Canada I think) and we began smoking again.
But tomorrow is just for me.
I don’t want to be powerless over ANY substance.
I’ve been praying hard and believe that I CAN beat this addiction.
I am afraid that this will be harder than alcohol because it’s something I do everyday, many times a day. It’s something I turn to during stress, discomfort, boredom well honestly I do it for too many reasons to list.
But I’m sick of it.
I just went through my pics to try and find a photo of me smoking to post on here but I cannot find any. Is that strange to you? For a woman who smokes like a chimney there’s not ONE single pic?
It’s not strange to me, there’s no photos of me with wine in my hand either.
I am good like that, if I ignore things enough they’re not a problem right?
So it’s time, I’m as ready now as I will be anytime. I am going to use the tools AA has given me and the strength of God for this battle.
I’ve set myself up for success, got the patch, removed the cigs, talked with hubby and prayed.
One Day at a Time I reclaim myself.