Today is not a good day, there is nothing specifically wrong, no calamity to write of but I am off center.
A panic attack has been creeping up on me for weeks, let’s be real I’ve been dealing with PTSD and anxiety for more than a year now. Recently there have been a few blips on my radar, heightened physical pain which increases my anxiety and feeling of uselessness, my thoughts are tangled and the circle of all of this exhausts me.
Here is the normal sequence:
Physical Pain = migraine+anxiety+depression = fighting off Panic=exhaustion and the feeling of futility=Anxiety = physical pain +migraine+depression = fighting off Panicexhaustion and the feeling of futility
It’s never fun.
Seeing me in daily life or reading some of my posts may not allow people to see this underlying battle which goes on in my world.
I look somewhat normal, I might look like I have a bit of a stiff neck or back.
Hopefully I’ve pulled that off, hopefully I’m appearing “normal”.
I work hard at this, my children don’t need to be reminded every other second that Mommy is in pain. They worry enough as it is.
Is it healthy to live like this?
Perhaps not, I am seeing a new therapist this week and am hopeful that she can help me with this circle.
A friend wrote to me today : “Many suffer in silence.Writing about it could be beneficial. There is such a stigma attached to it as if its a weakness but it is real & more common that most admit.”
I’m pretty open about my pain, in fact at times I remind people but do I really deal with the anxiety, panic and residual physiological effects of chronic physical pain?
Probably not, I’ve been praying for God to guide me in this and He provided this new psychotherapist so again there is hope.
Today I can only apply Step 1,2&3 to my situation:
- Admit I am powerless over this anxiety/pain/depression – my life has become unmanageable
- Come to believe that God can restore me to sanity/health
- Make a decision to turn my will and my life our to the care of God
Perhaps you’re saying “What does that mean?”
To me, just for today that means being quiet, performing necessary tasks, praying and resting my body. I must quiet my mind and lower my expectations of myself and other, trusting that God will guide me through this.
I have been here before and will not ignore the dark feelings and emotions which are threatening to overwhelm me, I will use the tools of relaxation I’ve learned and give my fears over to God.
Today I haven’t showered, I haven’t eaten well, I cannot remember much of my morning.
Today I am not pretty, eloquent, witty, filled with joy.
Today I will not write a piece of prose to be proud of.
Today I am not going to be conquering the world.
Today I am not going to be able to run with my children nor to pick them up for a hug.
Today I cannot tie my own shoes.
Today I cannot make a lovely dinner for my family.
But I am here today, exactly as I am and I will cope with it all.
I will be here in this journey.
I am not defined my muscle pain, by my confused mind, by my fears.
I am here deep within the journey which is my life surrounded by my awesome loving family and friends.
There are many things I can focus upon, to be grateful for rather than focusing upon the pressures of this recovery of mine. Other’s expectations of my recovery must not be allowed to overwhelm me.
This journey is mine and I know that I am doing my best to return to full health but that isn’t going to happen today.
Today I will rest and focus upon the Love I’m blessed with.
Matthew 11:28-30 “Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest until your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”