In the past when I prayed, it was almost always for God to help me.
This wouldn’t be a bad thing, except after praying I didn’t listen for His answer and it was selfishly motivated.
God always provides answers, in His time not in mine. All too often I was watching for ways that I could control situations rather than being certain that God will guide me.
My prayer life has changed drastically, I don’t only begin and end my day in prayer I also share my thoughts, worries and emotions with God throughout the day. I’ve developed a relationship with God by reading his Word, praising him and prayer.
Sounds like a pretty simple blueprint for Faith, but it takes more, much more.
I’ve had to take a good look at my selfishness, my deep seeded beliefs in Worldly ways, my defects of character, my strengths and the patterns of behavior I had built over 36 years.
I began to be rigorously honest with myself.
That’s been as challenging as living with two children with white furniture.
But my internal furniture has finally become white….for today.
It wasn’t until I gave up trying to live my will selfishly, when I came to the turning point where I could see my ways weren’t working that God alone gave me hope.
A quote from a post I wrote on Feb. 2/11:”I knew in my soul that God would guide me. He brought me to AA and the people and the program which would change my life if I worked for it. Blind faith as I’ve been known to call it. And work it I have with the help of some fantastic people and God of course.”
Little did I realize that the changes I needed to make in my life would be ongoing, a juvenile part of myself wanted God to fix it all at once…just another example of my need for instant gratification which I needed to let go.
My ego suffers blows often, it flares up without my notice and quickly something happens to force me to realize it. This is annoying and yet brings me closer to God because I know I can rely upon Him to guide me when I’m paying attention.
Writing here is one example, I began this blog to journal and have grown throughout my writing. It is a wonderful outlet to share myself, to work through my feelings and emotions. As I received comments from people I was joyful that God is using this as a venue to spread the word about alcoholism, recovery and God’s amazing Grace.
There is a line here though, one of which I’m seriously aware….the line where my need for the spotlight can outweight my need to spread the message.
With each post written I pause before hitting publish, I ask myself “Wicked-Amazing-Sober-Julie: Is this written in the manner you really want to convey?” Generally speaking I go ahead and hit publish but every now and again I stop and realize that my ego stepped in and end up deleting and re-writing.
Prayer has helped me with this, it’s allowed me to feel grounded in my faith and to be conscious of my voice.
Today I ask, do you pray to your Higher Power?
Are you consciously aware of God’s presence around you and the opportunities He is presenting you with?
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 87
We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends.