Recently I’ve found I’m being asked about my story. People are curious how and when I realized I’m an alcoholic and how my journey of recovering from alcoholism has looked. I have written about this in many ways on Sober Julie Doing Life and on guest post on other blogs, but now I’ll try to put it in one location.
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If you’d seen me two years ago me you may not have guessed that I am an alcoholic.
What do we think one should look like anyway?
At the time I had no idea that I was an alcoholic until I finally felt how close to the edge of losing myself I’d actually gotten.
I grew up in a stable home, did well scholastically and had many friends. I was married to an awesome guy with 2 children, a house and a dog.
How the hell had my life gotten so off track?
Throughout my life I was a fantastic chameleon, appearing self-confident and assured yet inside I somehow felt “less than”.
I’m not sure why but in my early 20′s I began to drink regularly. LIKE A SAILOR. I took pride in the fact that I could drink with the “big boys” and leave ‘em in the dust. Thursday – Saturday nights were drunk fests, when most people were making memories I was blacking out. I had a great job, great family and all were well on these fronts…in my mind at the time it was normal for the youth to party like this.
I went to college for my 2nd diploma at 23 and didn’t really do the drinking thing because I commuted but Saturday nights are all a blur. Actually to be fair I was working 3 jobs and school so didn’t have much time but when I did, I binge-drank to oblivion. I think I had created a habit for myself of living my lives in different boxes, student, employee, sister, friend, daughter, party girl and never shall the two meet.
By my late 20′s I met who was to be my future husband. I got my first “real” career job and life was good. I remember feeling loved by someone other than family for the first time and my joy was huge because I loved him too.
Fast forward again to recent years…I was a Mom who worked, commuted and was often overwhelmed by the feeling that I wasn’t the June Cleaver type Mum which I strived to be. I compared myself to those other women who did it with seeming ease.
I was the Mum who ran out 20 minutes late with the diaper bag that I had forgotten to restock, not showered in a few days, frazzled, and dying for a coffee or perhaps something to eat for the first time in DAYS ….and I never talked to anyone about it.
My Alcoholism Began to Show Itself
This stress caught up with me….a glass of Shiraz on a Friday or Saturday night bled over time into a bottle. My husband loved the gregarious wife who had come back to him on weekends; I was carefree again for a few hours, witty, fun, SEXY!!
I was pretentious with alcohol, it was so important to me that it be “quality” booze until later when boxed wine and buck a bottle beer worked too. Heck I even drank sweet white wine my parents friends gave them for Christmas when I was in a pinch.
Monday to Thursday I waited (without consciously realizing it) to like myself again. I loved my daughters and enjoyed them totally but ultimately felt like I wasn’t the best Mom God could have chosen for them. I beat myself up with my internal thoughts as we women are apt to do. The only time I felt “free” in my own skin was when I was drinking at the end of the week.
This drinking had begun to take a turn, I could be fun tipsy Julie and suddenly for no apparent reason to those around me become Mean Nasty Drunk Julie. It was totally unpredictable by the number of drinks or type. Frankly I didn’t remember most of it. Black outs were common for me.
The time came after just another Drunk Julie night when I’d had enough, the shame of my behaviour was too much to bear. I told hubby (not for the first time) that I was done with drinking. That I had to admit I needed help. I had known for a long time that I had an issue, that I abused alcohol and didn’t know why. I also knew that the day I quit I would be changing my entire life.
FRIGHTENING doesn’t cover it. I was terrified to face a LIFE-time surrounded by alcohol and not being able to imbibe. I thought this would be excluding myself FOREVER.
Thankfully I was wrong, I’m almost 2 years sober and LOVE my life as I never had before….life is so much sweeter when you stop chasing happiness and ask for help.
Why not take a chance and learn to see the happiness right in front of you!
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How very courageous you are! First to admit that you are an alcoholic and secondly to seek help….It is also extremely brave of you to share your story so openly. I just know it will be just what someone needs to hear today to have the strength to make their own first step towards sobriety….God Bless!
That is exactly what I’m praying for
Wow, I never really knew your story. But often wanted to ask. Thanks for sharing
Thanks so much for reading and sharing
Awesome
Hugs girl! so proud of you! I wish two people in my family would do the same (prescription drugs, ugh..).
Thanks Kim, I’ll pray for them as others did for me
I’m so proud of you for sharing. This takes enormous guts and you have them. Many hugs!
Thanks Caro, the message is larger than my fears
Congrats Julie! Your story is inspiring because many of us “chase happiness” in some way or another. I have struggled with motherhood, depression ans salef image and though I’m better now I know I’ll always be working on it. Thanks for sharing!
The journey of learning never ends…
Thank You for sharing! Your blogs make me smile, laugh, cry, encourage, ect. I enjoy them all and I am so proud of your honesty and letting us see “Julie doing Life”. Hugs!!!
Thank you Deb, and that’s for being on the journey with me
holy wow! You are so awesome for sharing this. ((HUGS))
Love
Julie thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I love you, girl! Really, I do. I love your openness and your honesty. Hugs! xoxo
that feeling is mutual Christine
Thank you for sharing your story Julie. You are such a courageous woman and I am so thankful to have met you!
You nailed it with this line “helped me see I too needed to Love myself.” I’m so glad you did, so many who are still suffering can’t see this
tahnks for sharing your story with us.
This is my first visit to your blog and won’t be my last. Amazing post and thank you for it. Sometimes you wonder about the same thing. Challenges!
Thank you for coming Gina, I hope you’ll come back
Wow – what a story. I appreciate your openess, honesty and braveness to share this with us! This post (as well as your many others) I”m sure will change the lives of many!
You are a strong and beautiful person and kicking alcohol in the butt has made you even stronger.
I support you and am 100% behind you in staying Sober! You go girl!!! You rock!
Visiting from ~SASS (host)
Support like yours is one of the things that helps
So proud of you, Julie, and all you do to stay strong. You’re an inspiration to many.
Thank you Robin!
thanks for sharing your story Julie
It is great to hear how far you have come along. Sometimes it is hard to share with others part of your life but sometimes it can help as you have people to support you. All the best Julie = Doing Life. :)
Thanks so much for reading and commenting Londia
It’s really amazing to hear a story about someone who was able to recognize the need for change in themselves. It seems that we always hear the very sad stories of those who were just too far gone, who lost too much of the good parts of their lives to their addiction. I’m so glad you were able to make a change and seek help before you lost yourself and what you hold dear in life forever. You are really strong to be able to do that for yourself. Keep going, you’re amazing.
I’m just one of millions who make it Ms Key, I pray daily for those still suffering and hope everyone else will too
You are so strong. Being able to share your experiences online for others is their blessing. Alcoholism is every mans disease. Great support is a necessity and it sounds like you have that in your family for sure. SASS
My family has been amazing
Thanks for sharing your story. I think being honest and real about how we got sober and why we got sober can help so many people. And it’s clear you are doing just that with this blog. Sobriety is an adventure for sure. I just celebrated 3 years on the 2nd and let me tell ya my second year was amazing, challenging and just painful enough to prove that I’m still growing. Anyway, can’t wait to read more about your journey! Congrats.
– Sean
I’m glad we’ve hooked up Sean, friends in recovery helps. Congrats on 3 yrs…I am glad I’ve found your blog.
Alcoholism can take so many shapes, that it can be hard to identify. Thank you for sharing your story and raising awareness about this very important topic.
What an amazing example you are setting for your daughters. Congratulations and thanks for your honesty.
Oh and Thanks for taking part in SASS, hope to see you next week!
Thanks for sharing this, Julie. My husband is an alcoholic, which I don’t openly talk about on my own blog. Mostly because his story is not mine to tell, though it does effect my daily life. I admire your honesty and look forward to following you on your journey.
If ever you want to write about it, I”d be happy to post it here…
You are such a courageous woman. I grew up with a mom who battled many addictions and demons. She was a hippie from the sixties, she finally snapped out of it somewhere along the way of raising 5 kids. I say all the time she was not the best mom, but her last 10 years she became the mom I wanted, and she was an amazing grandmother to my kids. I am glad your moment of clarity came early enough for you to be the mom your kids deserve. Best to you Julie. xo
I am so glad she took the step to experience life fully!
Thank you for sharing your story and being the woman you are for your family and yourself. I am happy that you had the positive network around you to life you up and I hope your story is that crutch for someone else who needs the support to turn away from their addiction.
*hugs*
Sass Host
Thank you Jayda, I’m praying for that
Wonderful – great blog, good read.
Thank you.
Thanks Chris!!
It takes a lot of strength to realize you had a problem, even more to do something about it. My dad was very bad off on alcohol when I was a child, and that led to drugs, and then that led to even worse drugs. Luckily he got out of it too, it took leaving his wife and his kids behind forever but that’s what he had to do. Sometimes we don’t exactly realize what we are giving up but you did, and that says a lot about the kind of woman you are. Thank you for sharing Your story, It was very touching. I am glad you found your path. god bless!
I am truly glad your Dad found his sober life and so sorry you grew up with addiction in your life….
I’m so glad that you found something that works for you.
Thanks for sharing your story Julie. You are a courageous lady and I’m proud of you and wish you well. Ok, I just re-read that and it sounds sort of weird doesn’t it? But I am proud of you for deciding to not only help yourself, but to share your experiences and choose to help others as well. -SASS
You are such a strong woman.
Saw the word sober and stopped in. Just made my nine year mark on the fifteenth. I appreciate your humility. Teaching others and sharing is the only way to grow. I’m sure your sponsor is proud.