As a woman who has hit the latter years of thirty I have been graced with the ability to reflect. Yes this is indeed a gift, when I was in my twenties I was much too busy and oh-so special to waste my time doing such introverted activities.
Do I sound pompous yet? I’ve got visions of sitting on a porch in my 80’s in a bright mumu, wearing vibrant red lipstick and magenta hair doling out advice as if I’ve earned the right. 39 feels like a good age to begin practicing.
My 20 something self raced through the day meeting my goals and setting more. Yeah I learned from my experiences, I found the gift of learning in my 20’s thank the good Lord above.
I had managed to grow between the age of 10 and 29, fantastic! At least I wasn’t still eating Cheese Whiz out of the jar with a spoon. I suspect I’m a slow learner, as my friends reached stages of emotional growth I forged along planning for the next big thing and analyzing unimportant things.
My 20’s are filled with some fabulous memories, most of which I wouldn’t share in public. I would have to change names and temper down the shock value and that feels much too tiring to attempt. Let’s say that I had a blast in my 20’s, but was awfully tired by the time I hit my 30th year and was ready to slow down.
With my thirties came the birth of our 2 daughters and honestly if anything’s going to make you grow there’s one life-changing event that’ll do it! Nothing like the first 3 months of motherhood, poop, puke and the physical effects of childbirth to bring one back to Earth and their own relevance.
Being responsible for another human being was a HUGE thing for me, finally I experienced the depth of joy I’d heard about in the self-help books I’d read. I actually understood being in the NOW. It didn’t last long, that little baby soon began to move and apparently hated sleep….my life was busy once again and I wasn’t in a seeking mode.
The girls have grown a bit, they’re now 6 & 8 and amaze me every day. I’d love to tell you how mature and self-sufficient my daughters are, alas the hickeys they’ve been giving themselves on their arms lead me to believe this isn’t the case yet.
Today as I reflect I’m doing it with love for myself, I’m looking back upon my life with patience and the knowledge that I did the best I could. That’s different for me, in the past I’d have been looking back cringing at my mistakes, regretting and shameful. I would have wasted the energy being negative. Today I choose to see each experience as a learning opportunity….even if it took me 10 bloody years of aging gracefully to realize it.
This new me, the more mature, grounded me is loving 39 so far. I’ve been planning again but this time its with amusement…I’ve been compiling a list and laminating it. If you’re in your 30’s and don’t understand the humor of a laminated list I worry about you and the lack of influence the TV show Friends had in your life!
My list includes things I want to do before I turn 40….things like have lunch on a mountain, see my daughter lose her first tooth(damned thing has been wiggling for months), finish writing my first book….
The most important item on my list is a biggie, our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up in October and I want to renew our vows. I want to honor our journey together, the ups and downs by proudly saying my vows again.
This will take some planning and I’m going to be asking for help, this time I won’t plan my wedding alone. This time it doesn’t really matter where, what I’ll wear….this time it’s about God’s presence in our marriage. We’ve had highs and lows and came through every experience stronger within our union because of them and I simply want to honor that.
This is my cry for help, if you want to help plan our big day, let me know!! Mama needs it.