Some days I hate being human, it’s excruciating to seek acceptance when I can’t for the life get over the fact that I’m incapable to being who I want to be.
Today is a BAD day, for once I’m going to openly lament here and hopefully you all will understand my weakness. I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m tired….I’m in pain.
This pain that greets me as I wake still baffles me after over 2 years. My fuzzy brain which loses memories like a sieve is like a thief who constantly stalks my vault of treasured memories. The anxiety that overcomes me and holds me captive in this house so often is robbing me and my family quietly….invisibly. The exhaustion from poor sleep, meds and pain leaves me an empty shell too often.
I’m MAD and sick of it all.
This anger won’t help me, it won’t give me back the life I miss.
This anger will compound the anxiety, the pain, the frustration and the sadness.
Despair will overcome me if I give into the anger.
I know I have to rise above these concerns, I have to ground myself in my spiritual foundation and trust that God is in control.
Accepting is beyond me in this moment.
Last night I sat blankly, resting because of pain and mental exhaustion….missing out on bike riding with the girls, homework and swimming with my family….instead I just sat there….
Yesterday I sold my ticket to BlogHer, a conference I’d looked forward to attending in New York in August, I just knew I couldn’t handle it because of my inability to travel alone, finances and pain…
On the weekend I missed out on the majority of a Jazz Festival, I managed to attend for 2 hours over 3 days…..
I miss my career, the people, the challenges, the fast pace of it….
Everyday I miss out…..
Today acceptance eludes me.
Today my path feels dark.
Today I can’t see the purpose.
And so today I am in prayer….
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.