We all know I’m a fan of honesty, being “straight-up” about things….but I haven’t really been able to do that in all aspects of my life here and frankly haven’t wanted to lose your interest as I lament about my physical pain, anxiety and cognitive disabilities. I’ve been avoiding these topics, partially because of ego I’m sure….God granted me a healthy portion of ego to tout around in life, constantly battling to keep it in check.
Should I name my ego to make it clear or is that egotistical, see the things which go through my brain to irritate me increasingly? And irritated I am these days…..I’m sick and tired of being incapable.
As usual I’m leaping forward in my mind, trying to line my thoughts up in a row to have them come out well….oh look there’s my cognitive issues….sigh.
Today as my mind slowly woke I was greeted by pain, a searing pain that travels from the top of my head and thumps its way throughout my body. Before I had even opened my eyes I knew it was a day I’d lose. This day won’t be constructive in any way, this is one instance where the pain will snatch away memories I could have made. These days come frequently, typically it’s after I’ve tried to live a normal routine for any period of time…..such as being present to participate in the first week of school excitement.
Apparently I was expecting to much from my body when I agreed to help cover lunch room supervision for my school while they arranged other coverage…..yeah because it’s such a HUGE effort to go to the school for 40 minutes twice a day and be a shadow in the room….
Can you see where this is going, now the depression sets in, my mind goes to that dark place where there is no comfort, no reasoning. Within depression the actual reality of my situation over the past 2.5 years hits me and I get stuck feeling in my soul how unfair my life has become. The cloak of nothingness fits me so well today as I struggle to keep my heart above its collar.
In my heart somewhere is the knowledge that this too shall pass. That tomorrow is another day which could be a good one, it sees the glimpses of God’s plan which today I cannot. The fight to keep hope that tomorrow will come is today’s struggle as this sick, sinking feeling of doom arises.
Describing this while being in the midst isn’t easy, I’m much better at pretending it doesn’t exist. This takes guts I don’t really have, the reality is that I’m an avoider, apt to turn a blind eye and sweep this under a rug drawing into my cocoon in solitary lost in my sorrow.
Writing this brings up anxiety….what will you all think, does anyone even read this mess that is pouring out of me? Why bother, isn’t it much better to write once this passes and give tips on how I’ve gotten through these days? “Julie you SUCK, stop being so WEAK” screams something from within! Will this ever get better?
As I sit and feel terrified of the future, how will we survive financially, will I ever get to ride a bike again, will I ever be able to horseplay with my children and dance with my husband? The unknowns fly through my mind rapidly as my scattered brain begins to fragment…..
I’ve been here many times before over the past few years. This isn’t new territory but it doesn’t negate the actuality of how it feels today. I know that tomorrow will be new, that there is another side to this dark tunnel but right now it’s so far away.
The only thing I can do is keep my mind where my hands are, give into the need to rest, pray and lower my expectations of myself…..and share this to hopefully get it out….scare the socks off of it and maybe it will improve? A wishful thought I’m sure.
That’s what I’m doing today….as I attempt to become somewhat “normal” before the girls arrive home after school and my Mommy mask is slapped on. Let’s hope it’s not too cracked today.