Generally speaking when things are going well I fall apart. Perhaps it’s because the times when my life is on an uphill is after a time of challenges.
This past month has been a difficult one, between my health, dealing with legal matters from my car accident, broken down cars and financial concerns…..it was a long stretch. One that found me on my knees often asking God to keep me strong, to give me the strength to see the forest through the trees.
Honestly there were days where I wanted to throw my hands up and scream in defeat.
Wanting to give up isn’t a comfortable place to be, I don’t mean that I wanted to give up life in general but I did want to give up feeling emotions fully.
It really sucks at times knowing what I know.
Some days I wish I’d never become as enlightened as I have on my personal journey.
When things are dark I found myself wishing I could go back to those selfish days of my past, the days when I could just roll along with a martyr like attitude, losing myself in a bottle when things got tough.
The sad fact is that I didn’t even want to drink.
I just wanted to escape for a while……to fee free of this World and it’s demands.
I just wanted to dance….(great line from a movie)…..it’s been almost 3 years since I could dance without pain.
It absorbs me sometimes……overwhelms me when I’m not looking and makes me wish I were the old me.
Thankfully I have the tools which get me through these times, I have God and I have tools which I did use. My jaw hurts from gritting my teeth and ignoring my base urges to run but we got through that month where it felt like everything was going wrong.
I haven’t quite fallen apart but I can feel how tired I am, physically, spiritually and mentally.
Rather than give in and fall apart which is actually what I want to do, I’m building my spiritual foundation. This is the time where my growth takes place and I’m intent on refueling for the next round which is certain to come along at some point.
Nobody guaranteed me that life would be simple, even though I’m sober and have worked so hard at changing my perspective the road is rocky. I can only rely upon my faith that my change of perspective can carry me through.
God lifts me high enough to get over the pits in the road, to put one foot in front of the other, knowing that I’m on the right path.
Cool things happen when I’ve got my head down, when I’m trudging I receive signs……
I’ve blogged about this in the past, every time I’m down God has sent me a sign. This week it’s been 4 separate people emailing and messaging me about their recovery, sharing their soul with me and pointing out the joys of this life and how they are helping other people.
I’m grateful today for these moments where God touches me though others.
Have you had a situation like this, where you persevere through something and then have a God wink on the other side?
Sarah Tun says
You have the best truth there is : a God of love that is higher than higher, deeper than deep with more power than there is power on earth. You’ve got the perspective! When you thirst, you go to the source, the only one who quenches that thirst.
Why with all that knowledge are there still tough days? Because He wants us to grow, so that He shines through us.
Keep shining, Julie. You are a walking advert for a glorious God. Blessings!
cathy henatyszen says
A well needed topic for sure!!! I was ravaged by someone elses drinking