Triggered when I least Expected

My entire life I have worn glasses and recently I bit the bullet, had Lasik eye surgery and was astounded at what triggered me.

As a girl I had no idea that I wasn’t seeing the world clearly until I got my first pair of glasses in Grade 3. Until I slipped those metal frames with the pointy nose pads onto my face, the world had always been an effort to focus upon. I had significant astigmatisms in both eyes which progressed over time.

I clearly remember how the world seemed to rise up a few feet to meet me when the optometrist put the glasses on my face…how my mother’s wrinkles appeared for the first time and how very relaxed my facial muscles felt. From then on I had glasses. I have tried contacts over my lifetime but with the astigmatism, I couldn’t wear them because as my eyes moved the contact would and life would be blurry again.

At this point I’ll digress and assume you understand what a pain in the ASS glasses can be. I always had to make sure to have 2 pairs on me while travelling in case something happened to my main pair…always cleaning them…blahh blahh. They also were getting more and more costly as my vision worsened and aging led me to need progressive lenses.

I’d heard so many great things about Lasik eye surgery but didn’t realize that I was a candidate until I went for a free consultation this spring. After hearing all about the procedure and costs, I went ahead and booked myself in to have it done.

On the day of the surgery, we were in the clinic for 4 hours but the actual procedure was 10 mins long. Ahead of time I was seeing 3 different people for eye exams, payment etc. Each of these people offered me a sedative should I need it.

TRIGGER

For me as a recovering addict, the offers of a sedative was triggering and yet I knew it wasn’t an option. I politely refused and went to hold my husband’s hand in the waiting room and use some of my tools. Recovery tools are super IMPORTANT and I sat and meditated, read some readings and texted with friends in recovery to keep myself centred.

The procedure went well and we headed home with 3 different types of eye drops which I was to use every 2 hours for a few days, then infrequently for 5 days.

TRIGGER

A few moments after using the drops for the first time, I tasted an old familiar taste that I HATED instantly. I brushed it off and went for a nap. The next time I put the drops in the taste was WORSE and I was instantly antsy, irritable and wanted to RUN. These were signs of a TRIGGER for me.

Nobody tells you there is a taste that sits in your post nasal drip area for a good while after application

My brain finally made the connection with the taste…to a drug I had a stint with in my 20s. Instant desire to get a hold of said drug….a deep pull from my core

This is the insidiousness of my disease. I think of it…glorify using…want it….but thankfully don’t get it.

Instead I went to a meeting and then had people in recovery over to discuss it with me and Brad. Sounds super simple but it’s a battle. I’m just fortunate that I battled it with the tools I’ve learned. For the 5 days of drops I continued using my tools and ensured my thoughts didn’t stray.

Today it’s a few weeks later and I have 20/20 vision, am still clean and sober and I’m grateful for having crips vision for the first time in my life.